The Invincible Lemon Trees
The dogs don't like trees. Or rather they love trees to death. They fertilize the trees, they sharpen their teeth on them, and they use them for tug-o-war games. Once two or three years ago, I brought home a very elegant Japanese maple tree. I was still digging a hole to plant it when I noticed the huskies were already salivating and taking bets on how long they would need to take the tree down. Someone at the pet store recommended to spread a bitter apple paste on the trunk to discourage the dogs. I tried a taste and sure enough, it was sour and disgusting. Normally I don't go for dog food (except in Korean restaurants -- just kidding. Really, don't send me any more hate mail), but this was the anti-dog food so it was OK. It worked. The dogs put their teeth on the tree but quickly recoiled. They looked again at the tree in horror. Here was a tree that fought back.

Alas it didn't work long. Five minutes later I was in the house and looked out the window. The dogs were furiously licking the tree trunk, all the while grimacing, like kids trying to swallow their broccoli just to earn their dessert. It became a battle of wills between humans and canines. The only thing that eventually stopped them was a wire fence I built around the maple, five feet tall and with sharp edges at the top to prevent the dogs from reaching at the branches or climbing over the fence.

I did a similar thing with two lemon trees I planted last fall. Same battle with the huskies that ended with the same type of fence. But then I got complaints that the trees looked ugly -- not the trees themselves, but what was the point of planting something nice and then surrounding it with unsightly barbed wire? I reasoned that a tree with barbed wire was better than no tree at all, but I knew I was only stalling. Last week I thought that the lemon trees were big enough and strong enough that I could take the fence down. at least around one tree as an experiment. The dogs watched with more than passing interest. They were already scratching the dirt to decide where they would bury the lemon loot they were about to harvest. They went on the web searching for a lemon meringue pie recipe. After the fence was removed, I retreated to the house and waited.

The huskies attacked with a vengeance. Nine months of pent-up frustration went into every bite. The lemon tree mounted a vigorous defense. It had low enough branches that the dogs couldn't get to the tree trunk. And unlike the bitter apple paste which could be licked away, it looked like the lemon branches were bitter to the core, outside and in, so the dog lick strategy no longer worked. The canines circled the tree looking for a weak spot but found none. After an hour of assault, they finally gave up and rested, after drinking down a large bowl of water to wash off the sour taste of lemon, and probably of defeat. Yesterday I triumphantly freed the second lemon tree from its enclosure, and all the dogs could give me was a bored look of resignation.

I don't know what devious schemes are still going on in the dog heads, but for now it's Lemon Trees 2 - Huskies 0, and Humans 3 - Huskies 0. Muahahaha!
- posted by Woofwoof @ 8:39 AM 7 comments

 
Thanks AAA
I took the car to work yesterday. I normally drive the truck, of course to compensate for my inferiority complex and because I have lots of money and like to waste it on gasoline. And because I want to harm the environment and contribute to global warming. Yes, I've heard all those things before, and am guilty as charged. But yesterday morning when I was on my way out the door, I took a quick look at the truck fuel gauge and found it between "empty" and "positively empty." Since I didn't have time to stop for gas, I had to go with the car, even though it didn't exactly match my macho image. Ha!

Then on my way home I stopped by Circuit City to get a DVD for the dogs. As you probably know, the 2005 Best Movie of the Year, "Eight Below" is finally out on DVD. It's a true story about a bunch of husky dogs surviving in the Antarctica after their humans abandoned them for safety during a major storm, and featured Oscar-caliber performances by well-known star actors such as Max and Shadow. The dogs here have been talking about the movie for months and breathlessly anticipating its arrival on DVD. Their conclusion was that this was more than a "rent it" due to the tremendous replay value. They have been digging for coins and gold in the backyard, hoping to find enough to buy a plasma television for the doghouse. I kept telling them that it's a big waste of money getting a color TV to watch huskies in the snow -- black and white should work just fine -- but they reminded me that I was the one wasting money driving a truck. How do you argue with such dog logic? While in the store I was tempted to skip "Eight Below" and instead get them "Garfield the Movie," but decided to stay with the safe plan because the Garfield humor may be short-lived, and the dog bite marks will be much more permanent.

But I lost track. I came out of Circuit City, got in the car, backed it up and thought it wasn't driving right. Not just that it was a car, but it was going bump-bump-bump. I got out for a look, and found that the right front tire was flat, as flat as Dolly Parton is not. I was a bit upset, but thought, no problem, I just had to put on the spare. Then I looked in the trunk. First the spare was not a standard tire but one of those compact, training-wheel things. And there was no jack to be found. I checked again in the trunk, under the seats, inside the boxes with extra motor oil, but definitely no jack. Now I was really mad. Who in their right mind would take the jack out of a car? Well, I could think of a few, but mentioning them here would be as life-threatening as bringing home "Garfield the Movie."

Just then I remembered that I have AAA membership. Now I have to admit that joining AAA is one of the more sissy things I've done, but my excuse is that I travel a lot, and I like their maps. But I've never used them before. I found the AAA card and called the 800 number on my cell phone. An operator answered promptly, speaking more Hindu than English, but he was helpful, polite and seemed to understand the highway and street system perfectly well. He said that a truck would be over within an hour. In less than ten minutes, a tow truck pulled up. The driver got out and quickly swapped the tires, even made sure that the spare was pumped to the right pressure.. He was friendly and jovial, despite having to work on a Friday night when the rest of the world is starting their weekend. He looked thoroughly confused when I gave him a tip, but graciously accepted it. With that, he and I were on our ways.

At home, the dogs were glad to see me, and happier to watch their fellow movie stars on the DVD. And they were right. It was a great movie, even after they watched it the third straight time. I was happy too, that the entire flat-tire incident was so free of hassle and lasted no more than 30 minutes. So thanks Disney, thanks Max, thanks Shadow, and especially thank you AAA. And next time, I'll stick with the truck and make sure there is a jack in every car I drive.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:42 AM 5 comments

 
Deodorant Man
Father's Day is never as big as Mother's Day, and I wonder why. Most of the dads don't seem to understand either. InteractiveDadMagazine conducted an online survey of 400 men and found that four out of five believe Father's Day is just as important a celebration as Mother's Day. But that's like asking dogs if they want lots of Cheez-It; the answer is always yes, and you don't need a poll to know.

The email advertisements I get certainly confirm my thinking. Albertson's supermarket has a steak sale, Circuit City is offering 15% off on camcorders and digital cameras, and Costco has specials on golf bags and Norelco electric shavers. But overall, not the commercial frenzy you get for Mom's Day. And that's not surprising. I read that according to the National Retail Federation, stores predict that consumers will spend only $9 billion on Dad, compared to the nearly $14 billion they lavished on Mom. And AT&T said that like Mother's Day, Father's Day is also one of their busiest days, except that many more calls made today will be collect calls. Probably the "Dad, can you come bail me out of jail? Don't tell Mom" type.

This week two events finally made me understand why. First, the birds are back. As I wrote last year, there is a family of bluebirds that have adopted my home as their home sweet nest. That, despite the dogs constantly trying to make the birds their special catch of the day. The birds have built a small nest in a planter hung under the gazebo, about eight feet off the ground. The plant and flowers must be providing shade and respite from the hot sun for the birds, and the chirping sounds give plenty of entertainment for the huskies who want to be like birds and fly up to snatch away the little ones. I forgot to mention the chick babies, maybe three or four but they make more noise than the entire Tom Cruise fanboy club, either crying for food or just intentionally driving the already nutty dogs more insane.

The point of the story here, though, is that while Mom Bird spends day and night in the nest, fixing it up with more branches and leaves, and feeding the babies and protecting them from monsters below, Dad is simply and utterly useless. He flies around from one tree to another, once in a while swooping down close enough to the grass to tease the canines, but mostly he stands at the top of the gazebo scanning the landscape, trying to look macho and manly. If he had a flat screen TV, I bet he'd have the World Cup on right now.

The second event happened at the supermarket yesterday. I noticed that Mitchum anti-perspirant and deodorant sticks now come with a new label on the cap, that says: "If the hardware store is your idea of shopping, you're a Mitchum man." Not exactly the stuff of Socrates, but that slogan does sum up the essence of man quite nicely. No need for flowers, fancy dinners and collect calls. What makes man happy is Home Depot and a deodorant stick, and freedom to go around and bother the dogs.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:02 AM 5 comments

 
Pardon me, do you speak English?
Surely you remember the cartoon where Bugs Bunny used his long ears to dig a hole through the center of the Earth, and came out on the other side in the middle of China. Or was that Daffy Duck using his beak and surfacing in Japan for a bowl of duck ramen. But now there is a web site, digholes, that shows that it was more likely that they would have ended up somewhere in the ocean between Africa and Australia. Even if they took a left turn at Albuquerque. And who said you cannot learn anything from the web.

Then there is Henry Mora in Montclair, California, who didn't believe that and wanted to find out for himself. Actually, his story is that he bought himself a $600 high-power metal detector and it beeped like crazy in the front yard of his house. So he thought there was gold under the lawn and decided to dig for it. After all, the eBay company that was advertising the contraption promised that it was perfect to search for "treasure chests, coin caches and hoards of gold." Mora was lucky he didn't hit the iron sewer pipe, but two weeks later, he had a hole 60 feet deep and big enough for ten people. And the pile of dirt grew to almost as massive as his entire house.

And still there was no gold. This called for firm measures. So Mora hired two helpers who set up an elaborate system to go even deeper. They used ropes, pulleys and buckets to move the dirt, and cut several shelves into the hole like staircases so they could get in and out easily. Throughout this "whole" time, the detector continued to beep louder and louder. And the helpers told him that they had done this before in Mexico and found huge treasures, and they could be just inches from striking it rich. Kinda like standing in front of the slot machine in Las Vegas. Come on, just one pull, one more shovel, this could be the big one.

Then a nosy neighbor looked in and called the city. Montclair, which is about an hour from Los Angeles, must be a peaceful city with nothing for the government to do, so police, city inspectors and firemen all came over at once. They promptly decided that the job site was unsafe and immediately stopped the treasure hunt. They said that the cave was too unstable and in danger of collapse and swallowing the men inside, and ordered Mora to fill it back in. Mora has said that he will comply, but he was reluctant and still thinking about new ways to find his gold.

This is a secret so don't tell anybody, but the dogs here have decided to form a partnership with Mora, called Hidden Treasure Mining Company. No buckets, no pulleys, no ropes. Just an army of Siberian Huskies and their furred paws, well trained in excavation technology, that will tunnel deep under the house and hide the dirt so well that no one will ever know. At a minimum, there's got to be a few bones buried somewhere. Like that country song goes, we are going to find "all the gold in California," and with a little extra husky power and tenacity, all the gold in China, India and Japan too.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:09 AM 5 comments

 
Computer Addiction
If you think you are wasting your life away on the computer, meet Kentaro Shimada and Tai-Yang Hsu.

Shimada is a 33-year old Japanese who is jobless and homeless, but instead of seeking shelter under bridges or moving to California like most people, last year he visited an Internet cafe in Nagaoka in Niigata Prefecture. And decided to move in. These cafes are somewhat common in Japan and many other Asian countries. They are open around the clock and offer customers access to computers and DVD and video game players. And of course coffee and simple food like spaghetti and cucumber pizza. Kinda like Denny's but with computers and edible food. If you miss the last train of the night or just can't wait to read the latest edition of my blog, that's the place to go.

But, I digress. Shimada got himself a booth at the coffee shop and made it his home sweet home from August to the end of the September. During that time he ran up a tab of over 520,000 yen -- or 4500 American presidents if you prefer. No matter how you count it, that's a heck of a lot of soy sauce ramen for one person. After the two-month extended stay, Shimada tried to leave without paying, but was promptly arrested and thrown in jail where the food is free, but apparently there is no Internet.

Now on to Mr Hsu. He is a 37-year old Taiwanese with a better strategy to avoid paying. Hsu was unemployed like Shimada, but he had a home in Taipei until his wife kicked him out following an argument. So like men everywhere who are banned from home he got on the Internet, at RS Cyber Cafe in Tamsui just outside Taipei. There he spent his time smoking, eating instant noodles, playing video games and surfing porn. OK maybe he didn't surf porn but he did search my blog for fluffy French poodles and Floo-Bees vendors. Other than that, for three months he lived the dream life of every man, free and totally unburdened. Then one day last week he complained of breathing difficulties and soon after succumbed to a heart attack.

So if you are not spending every waking hour of every day on the computer at an Internet coffee shop, reading weird news and inconsequential dog diaries while slurping ramen, you have nothing to worry about. You are not a complete computer junkie yet.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:20 AM 4 comments

 
Heroes
Daniel Mazur, of Olympia, Washington, set aside his second trip to the top of Mount Everest, to save a fellow mountaineer who was given up for dead by his own team. Mazur is a climbing guide and had two paying customers with him when they came across Lincoln Hall just two hours from the summit on May 26. Hall's team thought he died the previous day and abandoned him on the slopes. When Mazur found him, Hall was just sitting there without hat, gloves, sleeping bag or tent. It took Mazur and his group four hours to help Hall out of his predicament, giving him food, drinks and oxygen, and assist him in the return to base camp.

Just two weeks earlier, a British climber, David Sharp, collapsed from lack of oxygen about 1000 feet into his descent from the summit. About 40 climbers are believed to have passed him without stopping, unwilling to jeopardize their own adventure. Sharp, an experienced mountaineer, was doing a solo climb. He was on a well traveled route when he apparently ran out of oxygen soon after reaching the top. Based on climbing logs, dozens of people must have crossed his path but ignored him except for a group from New Zealand that stopped briefly, gave him oxygen and continued on. Sharp was found dead the next day.

The second hero is Michael Rubin from Coral Springs, on the edge of the Everglades in Florida, who jumped into a pond to rescue his 6-month old golden retriever from the jaws of an alligator. Rubin was taking Jasmine for a jog one morning last month. The puppy was running free ahead of Rubin when he heard her yelp, and realized that the 7-foot alligator had snagged her and was flipping her over. Rubin got in on top of the alligator and started punching it furiously in the head until he was finally able to pry the puppy away. Jasmine was rushed to the vet for treatment, but except for a few cuts and puncture wounds, is now in good condition.

Here's to you, Daniel Mazur and Michael Rubin, my heroes of the day.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 9:32 AM 7 comments

 
The Failed Power of Umbala
We have a fairly large cafeteria at work. By cafeteria standards, the food there is not all bad, but once in a while, we need to get out for a bit of authentic Mexican or Korean fare outside. Since the area is dense suburbia, it is not easy to go out for lunch and get back in less than an hour, but we usually come close.

The trick is to bring Dilbert along (names have been modified to protect the innocent). You see, Dilbert is a funny character, but more importantly, he has an amazing, almost psychic ability to change traffic lights to green in our direction. No one knows how he does it, but if we are within sight of an intersection, he would close his eyes and chant "Umbala Kawasaki" and somehow make the lights stay green, or switch from red to green just as we arrive. I have no idea what's behind "umbala," but I think that the Kawasaki part was based on the well known motorcycle commercial "Kawasaki - Let The Good Times Roll."

Dilbert is serious about his enormous power over traffic lights and goes into a deep trance whenever called upon. At one time we thought that he had hidden on him a traffic light changer, the type used by police and ambulance drivers in emergencies, but nobody has found it, and Dilbert does his meditation with his hands open toward the intersection, almost as in prayer. Doubtful as we are, we are glad it works.

Until Friday it always did. We were coming back late as usual, and were about 100 feet away when the light suddenly changed to yellow. Everyone turned and looked at Dilbert accusingly, but he protested that nobody had asked him to chant that time. He was right, of course. We had all assumed that we would make that light easily. But Dilbert missed the next one even when we did ask him to make it green. And another one right after that. By well over 200 feet. Not even close. Dilbert was embarrassed and thoroughly confused, and looked defeated as if Luke Skywalker had just found that his light saber ran out of battery.

At the fourth light, last one before we reached the office, Dilbert was totally focused, and enunciated the words Um-ba-la Ka-wa-sa-ki slowly and repeatedly, his hands alternately closing and opening again like he was trying to flash the traffic light from red to green. We all watched him with concern, in awe of the Master trying with all his might to gather his fading powers. Alice who was driving, slowed the car down as much as she could, to give the light a chance to turn green and let the Master redeem himself. But it wasn't meant to be. We inched up to the line of cars waiting at the light, and had to wait a good minute before the green came on again.

It was truly sad. We patted Dilbert on the back, but he was inconsolable and near tears. We were witnessing the end of an era. The good times were finally rolling to a dead stop. Flat tire and out of gas. I wonder if Dilbert has a son we can invite to lunch next Friday.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 5:59 AM 4 comments

 
Naked Revisited
Unlike many eco-terrorists such as, ahem... Alaskans, the Japanese seem to have taken this global warming business very seriously. In April 2005, the government started a "Cool Biz" campaign to encourage office workers to ditch their suits and ties and wear short-sleeve shirts to work. The concept is that the cooler attire will let people feel more comfortable in the hot and humid climate of Japan summers, and allow building owners to raise air conditioning settings to 82 F. That will reduce energy consumption and greenhouse gas emissions, so there is more oil left for people to buy and drive more Toyotas and Nissans. Which creates more work for car salesmen and auto mechanics, and therefore makes all of us happier. I don't know why, but you know it's true.

Then in August a tree-hugging group kicked off a "Water Scattering" operation to urge urban business and home owners to wet areas in front of their buildings and houses, also with the aim to reduce overall city temperatures and make the warm weather more bearable without air conditioning. Their reasoning was that if it's too hot, you take a shower, and that idea applies to cities too. Sidewalks need a good drenching periodically to stay cool.

Buoyed by all that success. the government came back in October with a new promotion they called, naturally, "Warm Biz," asking people to dress in layered clothing and wear sweaters in the autumn and winter, so indoors temperatures can be cut to 68 F without sacrificing comfort. The environmentalists were all excited until more people started wearing furs made from endangered Sumatra mountain raccoons (I know you've never heard of them. but that's just the point. They are indeed a very rare and endangered species. Almost non-existent).

I was not happy because they rejected a superb idea I submitted. My proposal was to simply use the Celsius system in the summer and Fahrenheit in the winter. 28 C sounds a lot cooler than 82 F in July and 68 F somehow seems warmer than 20 C in December. It's just an illusion, but isn't that exactly the business of government, making us feel good, just like Britney Spears?

But, that was last year. The new theme for staying cool this year is loincloths. I kid you not. An upscale, very traditional department store in Tokyo called Mitsukoshi, is advertising sumo-style loincloths as the preferred attire for men in the hot summer months ahead. Their claim is that loincloths provide "good ventilation" and "less constrained movement." How do you argue with that? Clearly cavemen were way ahead of their time. Click on the picture above to observe movement. To boost their popularity, the store is now offering loincloths patterned with polka dots, little goldfish and of course, for the man who has everything, fireworks. The only thing missing so far is Britney wearing one, and then my life will be complete.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:12 AM 7 comments