If dogs could speak...
Saturday, December 31, 2005
The Spirit of ColumbusI've been living in this house it seems like forever, certainly a lot longer than most Californians stay in one place. It's a one-story house, not big inside or out, but I didn't realize until recently that after all this time, there were places that I had never explored.
The discovery happened this week when I took advantage of the Christmas vacation to clean up the kitchen -- wash and reorganize the cupboard and other kitchen cabinets, throw out old food stuff and line the cabinets with new contact paper. Now that sounds about as exciting as a root canal, and that's why the job has been put off for so long, but this time orders were firm and I wanted peace in my corner of the Earth at least over the holidays.
One of the cabinets under the kitchen counter is somewhat hard to reach all the way to the back, so everyone has been avoiding it -- apparently stuff has been tossed in there but never taken out or looked at again, in an out-of-sight out-of-mind way. Quite a treasure hunt it was. First spider web everywhere, and of course where there was web there were spiders. I crushed countless tiny ones, and two big hairy guys the size of large walnuts. I felt like Frodo beating back the man-eater monsters in Return of the King.
Then five boxes of chocolate from Christmases past -- nobody here likes chocolate much (yeah I know it's hard to believe), so I guess chocolate presents were just put in there waiting to be "re-gifted." I don't know if we have a cousin or uncle, even on the "other side of the family" who wants crumbly five-year-old candies. And two wind chimes I got years ago from Japan, nice looking ones with an antique lantern design which I took out and hung under the gazebo -- the neighbors are going to love this. I hope they keep in mind that wind chimes are supposed to ward off evil thoughts, even after they listen to the cling-cling-clang sound all day long. Plus three dried-up pens, a box of 10 penny nails, and a roll of duct tape, apparently left behind by the previous house owners.
It took hours to remove the old junk, vacuum the cabinet, wipe it clean, lay down the contact paper and put things back nice and neat. But at the end, I understood how Christopher Columbus must have felt. I wasn't the first to discover the place, but I did reclaim a 5 x 5 ft piece of expensive real estate that time and man forgot.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 8:12 AM 5 comments
Sunday, December 25, 2005
A Christmas Haiku
Warm rainy like fall
Snow flakes none I see
Is it Christmas already?
Big turkey in oven
Four hundred slow roasting
Hungry just watching
Taco Bell dollar sale
Chicken beef same low price
Faster than turkey I can tell
Crackers with goat cheese
Pumpkin or apple pie?
Another Pinot then decide
Tree up week ago
Perfect for a dog pee
Warm rainy like fall
Snow flakes none I see
Is it Christmas already?
Big turkey in oven
Four hundred slow roasting
Hungry just watching
Taco Bell dollar sale
Chicken beef same low price
Faster than turkey I can tell
Crackers with goat cheese
Pumpkin or apple pie?
Another Pinot then decide
Tree up week ago
Perfect for a dog pee
Bright lights and warm glow
Wrapped presents stacked high
Chewy bone mine mine mine
But sled I want did not find
Merry Day to you all
No matter naughty or nice
I hope you got love (and no ties)
Wrapped presents stacked high
Chewy bone mine mine mine
But sled I want did not find
Merry Day to you all
No matter naughty or nice
I hope you got love (and no ties)
- posted by Woofwoof @ 4:05 AM 7 comments
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Radioactive ManAn update on our citizen scientist who is trying to build a mini cyclotron in his home in Anchorage, Alaska. On Monday, Albert Swank unfortunately lost Round One. After a lengthy hearing, the Planning and Zoning Commision recommended that the city deny him a permit for the project. I say it's unfortunate because it is really a noble cause -- presently all radioactive tracer material needed to perform PET scans for cancer patients has to be flown in from Seattle, a drawback due to the short half-life of the substance -- and also because if he succeeds in building it in Alaska, that means he won't build it here, next to my house. Just joking, of course. I firmly believe that a man should be able to put a cyclotron anywhere he wants within his own home. As long as he paints it beige so it doesn't clash with the neighborhood color theme.
Swank has strong support of course, especially in the scientific community. That includes Richard Wahl, Professor of radiology at Johns Hopkins University which is donating the cyclotron, and Shawn Carlson, founder of the Society for Amateur Scientists, a group dedicated to "helping ordinary people do extraordinary science." Basically showing them how to make their own firecrackers. Carlson thinks that the cyclotron is no more dangerous than welding, for example, and people should get educated on the true risk instead of giving in to paranoia.
But most of Swank's neighbors remain opposed. First they enlisted an FBI agent to go ask questions, posing as a mailman, but the FBI man was spotted immediately and shooed away. Poor guy, he must have thought he was too smart to learn from Columbo. Did he forget the trench coat? Then the neighbors packed the city hearing and complained that Swank wanted to put a Three Mile Island reactor in the middle of a residential area. They pointed out that there are three schools, three churches and hundreds of homes nearby. And the final argument: The cyclotron can cause "death or blindness and/or sterility." Note the "and/or." It can make you die impotent. With that, the planning board decided against the building request. Sex wins again.
Swank hasn't said what he will do next. The cyclotron is being dismantled at Johns Hopkins and will soon be on its way. Maybe he should appeal, and buy everyone in his neighborhood lead underpants for Christmas.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:20 AM 3 comments
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Christmas SweetsIf you bought chocolate last Friday from a See's Candies store in Saratoga, CA, you may be in for a special treat. One of the store employees believes that she lost a diamond ring while wrapping customer orders that day. The ring has a yellow and white gold band and holds three diamonds, and is valued at $3000. There were 600 customers visiting the store, and anyone of them could have unknowingly walked away with the additional nuggets.
To encourage return of the ring, Helzberg Diamonds, a jewelry store in the same parent company as See's Candies, has offered as reward any other diamond ring from one of its stores, up to a $2500 value. The story has been on the local news, but no one has come forward with the Saratoga lost ring yet. So if on Christmas Day you bite into a chocolate candy and crack a tooth, look again. It could just be your magically delicious lucky charm.
The Japanese have a different idea of how to mix diamonds and Christmas food. A department store in central Tokyo, part of the upscale Takashimaya chain in Japan, is selling a special fruitcake -- I am sure that all fruitcakes are special, but this one is truly extra special. It's a two-layer hexagonal fruitcake with rose color icing, and best of all, it's adorned with 223 diamond stones, including a five-carat heart-shaped one. Definitely not your Aunt Mabel's fruitcake passed down through five generations. The price is just 200 million yen, or about US $1.7 million, give or take a quarter. See the picture at left. Look, but don't touch. They stop selling it after Christmas, so hurry. It will keep at room temperature for up to a year. In a locked vault, I hope. And who says a fruitcake (no, not that fruitcake) cannot be a girl's best friend?
In related news, the Paris-based insurance and finance company AXA has concluded that for the second year in a row, Japanese will spend the lowest amount of money on Christmas presents among people in 11 countries surveyed. Comparing those between 25 and 54 years old, Americans spend the most, about $1340, followed by the British at $1060, then the Canadians at $860. The Japanese are dead last, giving only $160 on average. And only 57 percent of Japanese in that age bracket plan to give a present to their spouses, or boyfriends or girlfriends. Well, no wonder. Their gifts are just too damn expensive.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 12:42 PM 7 comments
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Revenge of the BirdAnother day another boycott. People are strange, not cool and in-control like us dogs.
Over 100 people from 12 countries worked for more than a month to place 4.3 million dominoes in a chain so they can be knocked down in Guinness World Record style. I know it sounds terribly boring, but that really happened last month in the Netherlands where apparently not much else goes on (except in Amsterdam, but that's like another world). I am sure that sort of thing would appeal to Alaskans too, except they don't have 100 people and they are always busy building bridges instead of dominoes. A year ago the same Dutch group already got the official record with 4.0 million dominoes, but they wanted to try again for a better record. Most of us don't know, but domino toppling competition is intense.
But more drama and tragedy was yet to come. With only 200,000 pieces to go, a small bird flew into the room and caused 23,000 of them to crash prematurely. It could have been worse, but fortunately gaps were intentionally inserted into the chain to interrupt accidental demolition like this. The event organizers got upset and brought in an exterminator who promptly shot the bird dead. The little house sparrow turned out to be an endangered species, and animal rights and bird protection groups were even more outraged. They called for a boycott of the television company Endemol NV which sponsored the event. The exterminator received death threats. A ceremony broadcast on live TV to commemorate the bird attracted nationwide attention. And of course, a web site was set up -- as you know, there is a web site for everything, but this one managed to collect thus far over half a million visits and many thousands of condolence messages. All of this is still continuing. Maybe the Queen will lead an investigation commision next, looking for the hidden grassy knoll.
Which brings me to my confession today. I was sleeping yesterday when a fly was buzzing around my fluffy tail and woke me up, so I snapped at him with lightning-quick Siberian Husky reflex. I accidentally trapped him in my mouth and spat him out right away, but he was already woozy and died a few minutes later. I dug a small hole and buried him. I hope anyone who witnessed the incident would keep quiet, and not write about it in some dumb blog. I don't need a presidential inquiry into why and how I killed a fly.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:12 AM 10 comments
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Feel the BurnFood must be abundant on our planet Earth. First it's Americans who are obese, then Europeans, next comes Maggie the elephant in Anchorage, Alaska that needs to get on the treadmill. Now even penguins in Japan must be put on exercise routines to lose weight.
That's right -- king penguins at Asahiyama Zoo in Hokkaido, northern Japan, are getting so chubby that their keepers are taking them on 500-yard forced marches twice a day. Even then, the penguins are claiming that the webs under their silly-looking feet are so delicate that they can walk only on snow, so that limits their exercise season to the period from December until April. The rest of the year, they just snooze and get fat. Such a bunch of lazy slobs, unlike us sled dogs. These boys are pigs. P.I.G.S.
Their exercise consists mainly of that ungainly side to side waddle, hardly enough to break a sweat. Some of the penguins even belly-flop and slide on the snow to avoid walking. And there is nothing to tone those flabby little arm-wings. As a svelte Siberian Husky myself, I have several recommendations: First make those tuxedo bodies watch that movie "March of the Penguins." If these guys understand what it's like to walk single-file 70 miles in minus 100 degree mind-numbing cold just to breed, maybe they'll be a little more motivated to earn their sushi. Or have them come to Alaska and watch us run in the Yukon Quest or the Iditarod, so they appreciate what real canine athletes do for fun.
And if after all of that, the penguins still refuse to shape up, I think we should send Richard Simmons over there to teach them. I bet Richard loves penguins.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 5:50 AM 4 comments
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Extreme MultitaskingIt was bound to happen sooner or later. We already have the musical toilet, so the computer toilet can't be far behind. Many Americans are now surfing from the bathroom, according to a study led by Dr. Jeffrey Cole of the Annenberg School Center for the Digital Future at the University of Southern California. It's impressive how deep these social scientists go in their quest for knowledge. They found that over half of those who use Wi-Fi at home have used it in the bathroom. It's all because of increased availability of broadband and wireless connections, they said.
It's amazing how technology has rapidly transformed home life, and taken away the few precious moments of personal reading and quiet contemplation people have left. The toilet is no longer the place to finish yesterday's newspapers or the latest Tom Clancy novel, but increasingly to download Madonna songs onto iPods or get caught up on blogs.
At least that's how people responded. My guess is that in truth, a much higher percentage of bathroom use of computers by teenagers goes to "medical research," no different today than in the past twenty years -- only the format has changed. But they will be disappointed one of these days if they should run out of toilet paper. Magazines are a much better back-up than a laptop screen.
For the record, this blog was written for your enjoyment from a clean desk in a living room. The television was on, but there was no Madonna, no Britney Spears and no Ty-D-Bowl Man involved.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:52 AM 7 comments
Saturday, December 10, 2005
NumbersToday's post is dedicated to numbers -- no, not pi, not e or Avogadro's constant or how many times Tonya Harding whacked Nancy Kerrigan on the kneecaps. We are celebrating the number 10,000, as in 10,000 visits to my humble blog, a milestone that was reached yesterday. Probably 1000 of those hits were my own, but that still leaves a pretty decent number of other folks, some strangers and some not, but definitely more than I ever expected.
It all started quite innocently in February of this year when I decided on a whim really, to start a blog first on Xanga. When that proved too restrictive, I opened a new one on Blogspot. It was initially more or less a diary, not terribly interesting, just a dumping ground of my thoughts and recollection of things I did during the day. Ten months and 165 posts later, the blog has evolved into what it is today -- I don't know if it's any more interesting or entertaining, but it's much less about me and more about weird things in the world that catch my attention. For a dog, that's a lot of things. It's also become a fun routine for my weekend mornings, to keep me busy while I sip my breakfast coffee and try to get the brain revved up
I never imagined getting 10,000 readers of anything I write, but the web is an amazing thing. Most people come here in search of musical bidets, poop neutralizer, Smokey the Bear or sumo wrestlers, or simply because they prefer reading my blog to doing real work. Others, more gullible, are drawn in by my majestic, smiley doggy looks and my witty observations. But whatever your reasons, I see you about 50 times a day, more on weekends when you must be bored and are looking for mindless stuff. This is the place. Thank you for spending your precious time and sharing your thoughts with me. Life would be very dull if I have only myself to talk to.
The other number we discuss today is 27 billion yen, or US $225 million. That's the minimum amount that a Japanese brokerage firm, Mizuho Securities, will likely lose as a result of a human error they made while entering a transaction involving stock of a recruiting firm called J-Com. They wanted to sell one share at 610,000 yen (approximately $5000), but mis-typed the order as 610,000 shares at 1 yen each (about a penny apiece).
Once they realized the mistake, they tried three or four times but were unable to stop the order, and within ten minutes, all of the shares offered were snatched up by quick-fingered brokers. The Tokyo Stock Exchange is insisting that Mizuho completes the order, and the company has agreed to honor its obligations. The current loss is already equal to its expected profits for the quarter ending in March, and can still rise once all of the orders are settled. The lesson today is, kids, stay in school and learn your arithmetic. And look both ways before you cross the street. There are hungry dogs out there, just waiting to bite.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:57 AM 9 comments
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Prison bar codeIf it's bad to be dumb, it's even worse to be a dumb thief.
Jonathan Baldino, a student at the University of Colorado, was arrested last week in Boulder and charged with one felony count of forgery and two misdemeanor counts of theft, when he tried to purchase a $150 iPod for only $4.99. His scam was to make copies of bar codes taken from inexpensive merchandise, attach the fake labels on big-ticket items and take them to the cashier. It worked -- once, but when he tried it a second time, an alert security guard at a Target store stopped him at the check-out.
Following his arrest, Baldino has expressed extreme remorse and asked for leniency. In a statement to police, he wrote: "I will NEVER EVER DO THIS EVER AGAIN and I am once more terribly sorry. Please let me go for I am terribly sorry!!! I'm only a kid! Help me out. I just want to go home. I did this not knowing of the serious penalty that lies behind it. Please! Please! Please!" In a follow-up letter, he said: "I am extremely sad now, and I just want to go to bed. Please let me sleep in my own bed tonight." If that plea doesn't work, he'd better hope that Bubba his cellmate likes the music he's downloaded to his iPod. Downloaded legally, I am sure.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 9:33 PM 3 comments
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Alaska MeltdownAn Alaska man has met fierce local resistance to his plan to install a 20-ton nuclear particle accelerator in his Anchorage home. Albert Swank wants to build a cyclotron to produce the radioactive tracer material which is injected into people prior to their receiving PET scans for cancer diagnosis. He said that his father died of cancer and he intended to set up a community medical resource to minimize the suffering of other cancer patients.
His neighbors, despite their proclaimed live-and-let-live attitude, are not impressed. They worry about his expected large consumption of electricity and the risk of radioactive leaks -- a complaint letter even compares the danger to that of the Three Mile Island nuclear reactor. A community council has submitted an urgent plea to the Anchorage Assembly. A proposed ordinance to ban cyclotrons in residential areas is scheduled for a public hearing at the end of December. State radiology experts who examined the plan concluded that it can be done safely, but rushed through regulations to require proper operation and disposal of materials. Swank said the FBI also sent investigators but he refused to let them in.
The used cyclotron, considered a "baby model" since it's only 6 feet tall and 6 feet wide, is being dismantled at its current home, Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. Swank says it will be shipped in January whether he has a permit or not. So it appears that next year we will have a new explanation for global warming, and this time it's not sport utility vehicles, coal burning or cow methane. And if you need to find Swank's house on 10th Avenue near Delaney Park Strip in Anchorage, just go to Google Earth and look for a big red glow on the map.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:19 AM 8 comments
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Remembering SamSam the World's Ugliest Dog, died two weeks ago from heart and kidney failure, just short of his 15th birthday. He was a purebred Chinese Crested Hairless dog, rescued from an animal shelter over five years ago by Susie Lockheed of Santa Barbara, California. In the picture, he's the one on the left.
His hairless body, long nails, crooked teeth and Darth Vader eyes earned him the Ugliest Dog title at contests organized by the Sonoma Marin Fair and DogExplorer.com three years in a row, from 2003 to 2005. Although it was a close call this year, his first win was deemed a "landslide of mystic proportions." He has made television and radio appearances in Japan, New Zealand, Britain and of course, many times in the U.S., on talk shows and news shows. He has also spawned many web sites started by Susie and his many fans. His official blog site got 55 million hits in the first four months and puts mine to shame despite my Siberian Husky good looks and charm. Is there no justice in this world?
"I don't think there'll ever be another Sam," Susie said, adding: "Some people would think that's a good thing." Perhaps cats everywhere will also rejoice. Just as a dog was crowned Cat of the Year in 1998, the Ugliest Dog recognition should rightfully go to a cat. Any cat will do, but I nominate this hotel cat for his evil terrorist ways. Those of you who miss Sam can buy a photo calendar and other certified authentic Sam merchandise. That looks like the perfect Christmas present, better than any Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson calendars I have seen.
Also on the web (proceed with caution -- ugly pictures ahead):
http://www.samugliestdog.com/
http://samugliestdog.typepad.com/blog/
http://sam-the-man.net/
- posted by Woofwoof @ 7:30 AM 4 comments
