If dogs could speak...
Sunday, October 30, 2005
What's wrong with these people?I spent four days this week in Portland, Oregon, nicknamed the City of Roses. There must be something about the Northwest character since I see the same things in Seattle. Both cities are clean, and the people are nice.
City vehicles are painted with the logo "Portland - The City that Works", and I believe them. At the airport, wi-fi is available and free, not just around the major waiting areas, but even in the furthest and smallest terminals. You just pop open the laptop computer, and there it is, no password, no fee, no log-in. A light rail called the Max runs from one end of the city to the other, fast, cheap and convenient. In the morning, trucks power-clean streets and sidewalks throughout the downtown area. The only garbage I saw were plastic bags that blew out of a dumpster one windy evening, and a passer-by stooped down, picked up the bags and placed them back in the trash. And closed the container lid before he walked away.
The best part was that people were friendly and polite. I went out jogging one early morning, and just about everyone I ran into had a cheerful "Good Morning". Total strangers out in the streets at 5 in the morning are often the seedy and undesirable kind in any other city, the ones you look away from, the ones you cross the street to avoid, but not here. It took some getting used to, but it was a refreshing change. At the hotel, they put a big fluffy teddy bear on the bed for you to hug at night.
Only at the airport on my return flight did things go back to normal. There was the usual grumbling when the plane was late, and the sharp elbowing on the way to the gate. Because many of these people were carrying umbrellas (it was Portland weather after all), the pushing became extra lethal. On the plane, one guy was trying to shove a backpack the size of a body bag under the seat in front of him when the overhead compartment was full, and when that failed, he tried to put the bag in the small vestibule in the back of the plane and cursed at the flight attendant when she wouldn't let him. Come to think of it, he was probably a Californian going back to California. I know the type only too well. I see them every day on my commute.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:29 AM 9 comments
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Stupid catsLast week in Shizuoka, Japan, Akira Yano swerved his car to avoid hitting a cat that suddenly darted into the street. The vehicle slammed into of 37 kindergarten children and 10 adult teachers and supervisors. Thirty of the children and one adult were injured, five of them seriously. The group was walking along a two-lane road on their way to a museum of art right after 1 pm. The driver has been arrested on charges of negligence.
That once again proves that cats are mutation accidents and dumb, evil, terrorist creatures that deserve no mercy. Police should have charged the driver with bad thinking and bad decisions instead. When facing a choice of hitting 47 people or hitting one cat, he should have run over the cat, over and over again 47 times if necessary.
P.S. This message has been brought to you by United Dogs of America, a non-profit organization dedicated to the brushing, walking and feeding of smart animals like Siberian Huskies. We now return you to regular blogging.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:25 AM 6 comments
Sunday, October 23, 2005
One track mindRats are smarter than you might think, but still pretty dumb. Let me explain.
New Zealand scientists wanted to know why rats are so hard to eradicate, so they released a rat they named "Razza" on a deserted rodent-free island, and then tried to re-capture him with traps. The rat was outfitted with a small radio transmitter so his movement could be tracked. For over four months, Razza evaded an arsenal of traps and avoided countless poisoned baits left by the researchers. He even eluded sniffer dogs brought on the island specifically to hunt him down. The scientists conceded that if Razza had been a pregnant female rat instead of a solo male, there would have been a rat population explosion already on the island.
They were about to give up when one day the rat paddled a quarter mile in open water (longest confirmed swim by a rat) to a nearby island where he finally got killed in a trap set up with penguin meat. And the reason for that ill-fated swim? No, it wasn't the penguin meat or the cheese bait, but mating season was starting and Razza was on the prowl (And here I was thinking that rat mating season is 365 days a year, 7x24).
But it goes to show how rats are just like people. Sex attracts, and sometimes sex kills.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 5:22 AM 4 comments
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Treasure huntThere must be a reason why the Japanese are so obsessed with garbage. They waste so much time separating garbage into tens of categories, from small metallic parts to large cloth items, unlike our basic one-dumpster approach best suited for simple-minded people. But now we know why.
On Thursday, a worker at a garbage incinerator plant in Saitama, Japan, found 31 million yen (nearly US $270,000) in the trash while sorting out woodchip and plastic waste. The money was mostly in bundles of 10,000 yen bills. Amazingly, he turned it in to police. They will now hold the cash for six months, and if the rightful owner doesn't make a claim, will release the money back to the garbage company and the honest worker. Of course, if the owner does want his money returned, he'll probably have to pay a large fine for mixing paper money with plastic. He'll be lucky to get back half.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 5:55 AM 7 comments
Sunday, October 16, 2005
It's smaller than you thinkThat must be one of the most common disappointments of mankind, but this time we are talking about the tallest mountain on Earth. Scientists from the Chinese Academy of Sciences and the State Bureau of Surveying and Mapping have determined that Mount Everest, or Qomolangma as the Chinese call it, is only 29, 017 feet above sea level, a good 12 feet shorter than measured 30 years ago.
They attributed the difference mainly to the fact that the previous survey team did not locate the summit's actual rock surface, but instead measured the highest point with layers of ice and snow included. This time, they figured out that the ice is 11 feet thick and corrected for it. Together with other adjustments based on more sophisticated satellite GPS and radar altimeter equipment, they arrived at the new mountain height.
They have checked and re-checked their metric conversions, and assured us that the mountain did not get shorter over the years because every climber was taking a rock home as souvenir. But it is quite possible that many climbers may have gone through all the trouble only to stand on the highest ice point but not the true rock peak, and may have to ascend again to maintain their bragging rights (That's a bit like debating which building is tallest -- with or without the antenna on top?)
In the meantime, the mountain is going into deep seclusion and getting psychological counseling. Twelve feet is a whole lot of shrinkage.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:49 AM 5 comments
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Ancient leftoversI've always wondered if Marco Polo brought noodles with him on his slow boat to China, or was that on his slow boat from China? Or perhaps he got them from a Polynesian mermaid he met out in the Pacific Ocean.
But now Chinese archeologists are claiming that they have conclusive proof that noodles were invented first, of course, in China, at least 4000 years ago. They discovered an overturned bowl under clay river sediments while excavating a site in northwestern China, and under the bowl, they found a small clump of what appeared to be noodles. The strands were thin and delicate, about 20 inches long, and looked to have been made from ground millet (a type of grass) rather than wheat or rice flour which are common modern-day noodle ingredients. Radiocarbon dating of material taken from the site on the Yellow River indicated that it was about 4,000 years old.
This may not be enough to end the controversy about the origin of noodles although it is believed that they didn't start appearing in Italy until 2000 years ago. To eliminate any doubt that their find was truly noodles, the Chinese scientists are still busy looking for packets of soy sauce and artificial flavorings but thus far they have been unsuccessful. That would definitely settle the question once and for all. Unless, of course, those little packets turn up saying Cup Noodles, and the Japanese jump in and claim that they were first.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 5:28 AM 7 comments
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Short CircuitI was at Circuit City last Saturday to pick up a Cinderella DVD for the kids. The cashier was a young twenty-something gal. I was still thinking about the new cell phones that were on display when she rang up my purchase, and she unexpectedly blurted out, "Do you want protection?" I was stunned. That was certainly unusual. I know sometimes electronics stores try to diversify, but this was quite a stretch.
I looked at the cashier again, trying my best not to stare, and confirmed that she was quite nice-looking after all. But all I could manage was a weak "Excuse me?" She repeated slowly, "Do you want pro-tec-tion?" So my ears were not deceiving me. I was the only person in line at the time, but this was almost too embarassing. Before I could run away with wild dreams or say another word, she asked again, "Do you want scratch protection?" I was thinking, it really didn't have to hurt, I mean, there were ways... But then she explained that Circuit City was offering a DVD scratch protection option through which, for a few dollars more, you could buy scratch insurance for your DVD. If it ever got scratched and became unplayable, you could exchange the bad disc for a brand new one.
My memory is vague now, and I am sure she said a whole lot more, but the words no longer registered. Another failed episode of my love life. Ever so close, and yet no score. I did go home with Cinderella, but in many ways she just didn't compare to Circuit City Girl.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 10:32 PM 8 comments
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Take them down with you
Rangers at the Everglades National Park in South Florida recently discovered a gruesome scene in an isolated marsh involving carcasses of a 13-foot Burmese python and a 6-foot American alligator. The alligator's tail and rear legs were sticking out from the ruptured body of a python which apparently was trying to swallow the gator whole. The snake was missing its head, and a necropsy revealed wounds on the gator's head and large chunks of gator skin inside the snake's stomach.
Biologists and reptile experts were trying to figure out the sequence of this battle to the death between these two fierce creatures. One theory was that the gator wasn't quite dead when the snake swallowed it, and it kept kicking with its hind legs and sharp claws until it tore away the snake's head and midsection. Another theory was that the gator was already dead but it was so large that it simply suffocated the snake from within, or its decay generated so much gas build-up that it caused a catastrophic explosion killing the snake.
So the moral of today's story is:
"If you can't beat them, get even"
And from the Peter Gabriel song:
Don't give up
You're not beaten yet
Don't give up
I know you can make it good.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:22 AM 8 comments
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Boss HoggIt's a logical extension of what seems like a good idea.
Back in April, the government of Japan kicked off a campaign they named "Cool Biz" to encourage office workers to forgo their suits and ties and go short-sleeve so that building temperatures can be kept at higher than 82F (or 28C for you foreigners. By the way, notice how easy their measurement systems are? You just reverse the digits. And stop complaining that metric is difficult). That might not sound like much, but given Japan's humid summers, 82F can be quite uncomfortable, especially in a dark business suit which for all practical purposes was mandatory attire for many Japanese workers. The concept was that with reduced use of air conditioning, the country could save millions and millions of barrels of oil which they can re-export to the US so we can drive their Toyotas and Nissans and Hondas. It all made perfect sense.
Summer is now over, and the government has of course declared Cool Biz a major success (although their Prime Minister didn't give a speech under a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner like our President Bush did after Iraq). And clothing stores were happy that their business was booming. Just as many of us might have trouble finding a clean suit for a major occasion, many Japanese had to scramble to dress casual, and sales of shirts in particular grew threefold at some stores. Only the tie-makers were upset, but they still have Christmas to look forward to.
Encouraged by the acceptance of Cool Biz, on October 1 the government started a new autumn-winter version they dubbed, obviously, "Warm Biz" to promote the wearing of warm clothing so that office thermostats can be turned down to 20C (or 02F or something like that. Anyway it's colder than you think). Ever so helpful, the Environment Ministry advised people to wear layered clothing, and extra thick socks, turtleneck sweaters and waist-long coats, and thermal underwear underneath all of that. And maybe a fur coat. Or else you die freezing.
Not to be outdone, The US Department of Energy is sponsoring a web site, energyhog.org to promote energy conservation. The site features enemy characters such as Boss Hogg, Sammy Swine, Ivanna Hamm, Mork Pork, Kelvin Bacon and Penelope Pigg that suck energy out of your home, and gives you useful tips like turning off lights and showering less. They also have energy scavenger hunt games that can mesmerize you for hours and hours even on your most boring days. You really should check it out. Totally amazing! Who knows, we could end up saving more than the Japanese, and show them who is the Boss Hogg.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:55 AM 8 comments
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Dear pervert readersI have a few loyal readers of my blog, most of whom share a common interest in dogs, Alaska or Japan, and not always in that order. My site meter tells me that I get about 20 visits per day during the week, and 50-80 on the weekend when people have more time to waste reading frivolous stuff.
But there were at least three distinct occasions when the meter took sudden huge jumps, sometimes not just on the days of the postings, but for a whole week afterwards. The first time was back in April when I discussed an ingenious machine invented by a university professor in Singapore that allows you to "fondle the chicken." Not exactly the way you might imagine, but it was a subject that seemed to tickle the prurient curiosity of my audience. I was so proud that I collected over a hundred visits that day. It was like scoring a touchdown in blog competition.
It took a few months for a repeat. The next time was in July, and the story was about a Seattle man who died while having sex with a horse. That was a true story published in the Seattle Times, but for quite a while, I gained a large following from people who found my site by googling the terms "death horse sex." Why anyone would search for that topic is beyond me, and I had to delete a few comments from people who were more familiar with horse sex than anyone needed to be, but it was a surprisingly effective way to draw attention to the blog. I had more hits in one day than Michael Jackson did in the last decade.
The most recent uptick occurred this morning. On Sunday I wrote about a new nutritional product called Whiff designed to eliminate the smell of human waste, and the story was picked up today by a Japan-oriented site called Japundit. There is really nothing Japanese about Whiff, but it fits the slightly offbeat counter-culture style of Japundit. All day today I was getting hits for the Whiff story, about half of them from probably stunned Japanese visitors. I'd hate to make them think that Americans have nothing more to worry about than poop stink. Of course we are bothered by other things too, such as the Iraq war, the Katrina hurricane, soaring gas prices and killer horse sex.
And so it is that I have finally reached this inescapable conclusion: There are a lot of sick people out there. And many of them read my blog.
Tomorrow: Sex horse sex dog chicken sex poop Michael sex sex fondle
- posted by Woofwoof @ 11:32 PM 8 comments
Sunday, October 02, 2005
News you can useSome people obviously believe that "their sh.t don't stink" (here is a case in point), but for the rest of us, there is finally hope. A new product called Whiff and sold on the internet claims to be able to dramatically reduce or eliminate the smell of poop itself. This is not a joke or scam, they say, unlike other, ahem, enhancements often advertised on the web.
You take it as a nutritional supplement, two capsules a day. The ingredients are all natural: First there is a sugar extract from Jerusalem Artichoke, a tuberous root related to the sunflower grown in northern parts of the United States and used by Native Americans for centuries as a staple food. Then comes chlorophyl from alfalfa, a nutritious grass similar to bean sprouts. And finally they add desert Yucca, a succulent cactus also used extensively by Native Americans. The key here is finding through years of exhaustive research and testing the optimal levels of the ingredients to make Whiff effective as a poop smell terminator.
So no longer do you have to mask bathroom odors with deodorizers or remove them with ventilating fans, but you can attack the actual source of the odor -- the poop itself. The people at Whiff believe that this should be as logical as brushing your teeth or using underarm deodorant to avoid offending other people with bad breath or body odor. "Think globally, act locally," and together we can wipe out smelly poop, they urge.
Now there are the usual legal disclaimers and fine print as you would expect with any health or pharmaceutical product. First the claims have not been evaluated by the FDA (but they don't know crap anyway). Consult your physician (poor doctor, years of medical training down the toilet). Also understand that Whiff is not something you take at the last minute, for example just before a date or before boarding a long flight. You must take Whiff daily for about two weeks before its full effect kicks in, and you have to keep taking it daily for it to continue to work. Because Whiff promotes the growth of good bacteria in the intestinal system, you may feel gas and bloating, and experience significant flatulence and diarrhea during the first few weeks, but these effects should taper off and eventually disappear. Finally, the chlorophyl in Whiff turns your poop a distinct and rich green color. But don't worry, green is good.
So there you have it. People, if you are shunned by friends and co-workers, ask yourself why and take action. Could it be that your Sunday blog stinks, or your poop stinks even worse? For the slight inconvenience of a few more farts and deep green sh.t, and just 50 cents a day (less than half the price of a cup of coffee), you can do the world and yourself a huge favor, and bring back your social life. Let's all take a Whiff! Please, take a Whiff!
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:42 AM 9 comments
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Advantures in drivingAt the Tokyo Motor Show starting in late October. Nissan plans to unveil a concept car with a cabin that can revolve 360 degrees. The Pivo is a three-seat electric car that looks like an egg on wheels, and the body can swivel in a complete circle while the wheels stay put. See picture at left and click to enlarge. Some "accessories" are probably not included in the base model.
The thinking is that this makes the car very easy to maneuver around tight spots and easy to park. It also doesn't need to go in reverse. To change driving direction, you rotate the cabin backwards instead of the entire car. The car also has see-through pillars and external cameras that display images of surroundings on screens mounted inside, all of that to reduce dangerous blindspots.
Nissan said that the above features probably will not be available commercially for another five to ten years. I like the ideas, especially the cute accessories, except for one other concept that Nissan is also testing for the first time on the Pivo. They call it "Magic 4", and it allows you to operate controls such as the audio and navigation systems by simply pointing fingers at a dash-mounted infrared camera without taking your hands off the steering wheel. For example, lifting one finger might turn on the radio, and two fingers might increase the volume. I am afraid that this is too easy to confuse with other finger gestures commonly used by California drivers.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 10:32 AM 5 comments
