If dogs could speak...
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Zoom zoom zoomThose lucky Alaskans! They have so much oil money that instead of paying tax to the state, they get an annual loot-sharing, I mean, "dividend" check back from the state. Just for living there. On top of that, they sweet-talked the federal government into giving them another tanker-load of money to build a bridge to nowhere. When they decided later not to build it, they were told to just keep the money - so basically it's money to build no bridge to nowhere.
And they get tons of snow in the winter, meters and meters of dog-sledding quality, cold and fluffy snow, a true Husky paradise. And in the summer while the rest of the country was broiling in high heat, they bragged about their 79F weather, ideal for oil-drilling, tree chopping and moose hunting, all the fun things that Alaskans get to do. The last time we saw anything near 79 degrees here in California, I think it was in Celsius or deciliters or something weird like that.
The Alaskans just struck it rich again. Last Monday a huge cargo ship suddenly tipped over to almost horizontal, about 240 miles off the coast of Alaska. The Cougar Ace was perhaps carrying goods from Far East sweatshops to gadget-starved Americans, things like Floo-Bees and iPods, but onboard were also over 4,800 spanking new Mazda vehicles fresh off the paint shop. 30% were CX-7 SUVs, and the rest were mostly Mazda3 hatchbacks. The CX-7 is a new model for 2007, getting excellent early reviews. One insurance firm estimated the automobile value alone was $72 million, give or take a few front-disc brakes, airbags and leather seats. Even that seems conservative, but you know how these insurance companies always try to low-ball you and raise the deductible.
Initial analysis suggests that the massive ship was thrown sideways when the ballast tank was adjusted incorrectly in the open seas. It was also possible that the few remaining whales that the Japanese haven't caught and eaten yet got together and used their blowholes to push the ship over to its side, but that is still unconfirmed. By Friday, the vessel had drifted from international waters into US territory, only 150 miles south of the Aleutian Islands, but it stayed afloat at an 80 degree angle. By next week, some of the cars will probably wash ashore, perhaps a bit wet and salty, with a few squid and shrimp stuck to their mufflers, but nothing that a good car wash cannot fix. And of course, since the oil is right there, all you have to do is to stick a pipe into the ground and pump some of that luscious black gold out, and in no time you can have a new SUV parked in front of the log cabin.
That's it. I'm packing and moving up North with the Huskies. Snow, moose, oil and imaginary bridge, and now with zoom zoom zoom. How can I resist?
- posted by Woofwoof @ 8:48 AM 6 comments
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Raining DogsIt's summer over here, dry as a bowl of lamb and rice dog food, but in Poland it's raining dogs, and not just any dogs, but enormous hundred-pound dogs. On Monday in the southern Poland city of Sosnowiec, a man was walking down the street minding his own business when suddenly a Saint Bernard fell from the sky and landed on his head.
It turned out that the dog, named Oskar, had been pushed out of a second-story window by his people at that exact same moment when the man walked by. Police arrived at the scene and found a couple in their thirties living in the house with their three-year old daughter. The adults were totally intoxicated, having just downed a large bottle of liquor, when they decided to test the flying skills of their giant dog.
Thanks to the pedestrian, Oskar had a turbulent but soft landing, and suffered only a few scratches. The passer-by was more in psychological shock than physically hurt, and the skunk drunk couple are now in jail, charged with child endangerment and animal abuse. And good weather has returned over the city, with not a single animal floating in the deep blue sky.
In related news, the big event in dogdom today is that a Siberian Husky named Meeshka will be participating in a Blog-a-Thon to raise money for Northern dogs that need a permanent home. I think it's a 24-hour blog fest, although I am not sure if that is measured in dog, human, metric or prehistoric time.
One thing Meeshka promised to do to generate even more interest and sponsorship money is to post a picture of her sitting on her human woman's head. Not quite like flying out a window, but a delicate exercise nevertheless, requiring tremendous balance and humiliation (I mean for the dog. For the woman it must be a big honor to be sat upon by a dog while she is sleeping). I am sure you will agree that such a sacrifice is worthy of a few, or a lot of your hard earned dollars. It's a great cause and a huge spectacle, so go over there TODAY and donate generously. Good karma will flow your way, I swear. May no fluffy dog ever fall on you.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 9:52 AM 5 comments
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Knock knockAlright, who's the wise guy who deserves a nasty husky bite in the butt? Rarely have I been so upset with a product, but this one should offend the entire canine population in the world as well. You've been warned.
You see, some people like to play a cruel trick on dogs. They tap on the front door and quickly run back to the living room couch, pretending to read the newspaper or watch television as if nothing had happened. But dogs being fierce protectors of homeland security, have to interrupt whatever they are doing (usually something important like digging through trash or tormenting the cat) to go and investigate. Who knows, it could be a burglar, a terrorist, or a Latter-Day-Saints missionary who has to be sniffed all over in case he carries lethal peanut butter cookies or Cheez-It on him. But the dogs get to the door, and there is absolutely no sign or smell of anybody. Really makes them wonder if they've lost their senses or sanity (well, it's possible), and when they get back to the business at hand, the trash has been put away, and the cat has escaped once again. Very frustrating.
Now a company has come out with a device they call a "Knock Knock Door Chime" that rings a door chime whenever someone knocks at the door. The way it works is that there is a sensor unit that you attach to the inside of the front door. When it is activated by a knocking sound, it rings wirelessly a chime that you can place anywhere in the home, up to 100 feet away from the door. The good thing is that it should confuse your visitor -- he knocks and hears a door bell instead, and maybe that'll be enough to scare him away. No more Girl Scouts cookies to buy and no more Mormon literature to read at night. But it will also baffle the heck out of your dogs. A knock at the door, a chime in the kitchen, and the lazy homeowner just sitting there watching TV oblivious to it all, seemingly deaf and dumb. How are the poor dogs supposed to respond? You can ask them to focus focus focus, but expecting them to multitask on three things is a bit much.
This deviant thing sells for $49.95, but I'll be damned if I tell you where to find it.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 9:00 AM 7 comments
Sunday, July 09, 2006
You gonna eat that?Animal scientists use the term "anthropomorphism" to describe what many people do, ascribing human traits, motivation and thinking (you've got to be kidding me) to animals like dogs. If a dog could talk, this is what he would say. Oh puh-lea-se, utterly ridiculous! It's the notion of "I know how you feel because I can walk a mile in your shoes," but how do you apply it to a dog that wears no shoes and no clothing? Especially when the dog is already at a more advanced stage of evolution than you. So, forget it.
Well, forget it some people apparently cannot. There is a Japanese online store called Dot Wan that specializes in selling human food made for dogs. Now it's true that dogs do want some types of people food, like your steak cooked medium rare, or the hamburger you just finished grilling before you smother it with gooey ketchup and mustard, or the bag of chicken you just brought home but haven't put away in the freezer yet. But that's not what Dot Wan sells. Because this is a Japanese company, they naturally concentrate on Japanese food, and in this case Japanese human food, which makes it doubly yucky.
Unfortunately it's not raw fish or anything good like that, but what they have is regular, everyday human food. Some examples: Fruit cookies in kiwi, avocado and blueberry flavors, pre-packaged cups of mixed vegetables (usually in Japan "mixed" means cucumbers but here the vegetables are pumpkin and sweet potato), rice and tofu yogurt, miso soup, and a disgusting fermented bean dish called natto that even most Japanese people don't touch. To make the human food more appealing, Dot Wan also offers human-style dishware for the dogs, such as ceramic bowls made exclusively for them by a famous pottery maker in Okinawa.
All this just doesn't make sense to me. Do dogs insist on making people eat dog food (I mean, usually), and act convinced that it's good for them? Here is your dinner Joe, a bowl of delicious Alpo lamb and rice, or chicken liver, or delicacies like raccoon roadkill or the dead opossum the huskies dug up behind the shed. So if you think you might not like that, then stop shoving weird stuff like sweet potatoes and soybeans in their direction. Now if you really want to be anthropomorphic, let the dogs sleep in your bed, rub their bellies, or open the yard gate and let them run off-leash. That's when we are really talking in the same language. Woof!
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:07 AM 5 comments
Saturday, July 08, 2006
You repel meIt is summer, the season of baseball, bikinis, outdoor barbeque and of course mosquitoes. We are not in Alaska and the summer swarms here are usually called "Canadian tourists" or "Mexican guest workers," but we still have more than our share of flying pests. So what is a Nile-virus-fearing Californian to do?
Well, you can apply some of that DEET bug repellent on you, but this may be a case where the cure is worse than the disease. If you read the warning label on the bottle, it seems that you need to exercise more caution than you would need bathing yourself in concentrated DDT. Don't drink, don't smell, don't spray near eyes or mouth, keep at least 30 feet away. No thanks, I'll just take my chance with Lyme disease. Or you can get one of those electric bug zappers, as long as you don't mind the constant buzz and zap-zap-zap sound. And seeing your picnic guests look like pale bluish zombies from Night of the Living Dead (the original George Romero version, of course). For some people that might be an improvement but then you can't tell them that or you would be joining them. Reality does really suck sometimes.
But there is good news. Scientists at Aberdeen University in Scotland are developing a mosquito repellent using chemicals in human body odor that the insects do not like. They noticed that certain people tend not to get bitten by mosquitoes, and have isolated the chemicals in those people that act to drive mosquitoes away. They hope to formulate a synthetic version in about two years, so potent that all you need is to put a small drop on your clothing without applying it directly to your skin. They didn't say, but the chemicals probably smell like armpit odor, and one side effect of the "eau de human" is that you will be shunned not only by mosquitoes but also by everyone else. That may not matter much to Alaskans who are in most need of bug repellents but who are an anti-social, anti-environment breed anyway. File your complaint here.
Around this house we use a more nature-friendly method to eradicate mosquitoes, and it is called Siberian huskies. They have lightning-quick reflexes and lethal bites. Usually a husky sitting outside waiting to be petted (that's what people think), or waiting to steal a hamburger or hot dog from an unsuspecting kid (that's the real answer) can catch and kill with his mouth any insects that happen to fly by. On a busy warm day, that can be a mosquito a minute, better than any electric bug zapper I have seen. The most effective missile shield defense ever invented, and a lot cheaper too.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 10:25 AM 3 comments
Sunday, July 02, 2006
A.1. or Ketchup?Just in time for July 4th, two recent stories about hamburgers should give you food for thought as you plan your holiday barbeque. First there is a burger joint in Boca Raton, Florida that two weeks ago started serving a hamburger that they dub the "beluga caviar of sandwiches." Or "heaven on a bun" as the restaurant owner describes it (No it's not what you think, you perverts). But one thing for sure is that it does cost a lot like caviar, beluga or not. A burger at the Old Homestead Steakhouse in the Boca Raton Resort and Club goes for a cool $100. That is after you pay $40,000 upfront plus $3,000 per year to join the club.
Here are the specs for you bun aficionados: The patty is 5.5 inches across, 2.5 inches thick and combines Colorado free-range prime beef with Japanese Kobe and Argentine cattle beef. Maybe they also sprinkle some "holy cow" if you ask politely. The beef is flown in fresh from New York (there must be a secret ranch somewhere in the middle of Manhattan), then sautéed on order in grape seed oil (hand-pressed by young Italian girls wearing wide brim hats) for exactly five minutes per side then finished in an oven at 375 degrees. They didn't say, but I hope they got the Celsius and Fahrenheit right. Organic micro greens, exotic mushrooms and heirloom tomatoes are included, but fries and Pepsi are extra.
At the other extreme, a company in St Louis has just come up with a new kind of hamburger meat that offers both the health benefits of soy and the flavor and tasting chewiness of real meat. Now, don't you think they just grind some beef from Safeway together with edamame soybeans. These guys at Solae Company are applying for a patent for their hybrid meat technology, which they said took ten years of exhaustive meat research to perfect. The end product is a blend of vegetable and meat protein, and has only 2/3 the calories and 1/2 the fat of regular meat. I have a different technique for cutting calories and fat which I call "making a smaller hamburger" but never bothered with a patent.
For our barbeque, my thinking is that we will stick with chicken. Ultimately everything tastes like chicken anyway, so why make things complicated and spend more? And the threat of bird flu always adds a dose of adventure to the eating experience. But no matter beef, chicken, kangaroo, snake or soybeans, I hope you all have a great Independence Day (or Canada Day for you 51st staters).
- posted by Woofwoof @ 5:52 AM 5 comments
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Altered StatesWe had a pre-holiday picnic at work yesterday. Somebody brought an industrial-sized cake, probably from a warehouse store like Costco, big enough to feed 200 people before hamburgers and hot dogs, or 500 people after. Or the entire population of Uganda for a week. Since the theme was Independence Day, the cake was made as an American flag, white frosting with half-strawberries for the stripes and whole blueberries for the stars.
The cake looked great, except that someone (probably one of the tax accountants) pointed out that were only 49 blueberries arranged on a 7x7 grid, and wanted to know who had "deducted" a star. According to IRS rule 142.76.5.3 in section 7E of the U.S. Tax Code, revision 2, we were not eligible for a star allowance unless we resided in the state in question for at least 45 consecutive days in the previous two months, or the commuting distance is 30.7 miles or greater, whichever comes first. Therefore the violator was subject to a maximum of 2 years in jail and $100,000 fine. We explained to him that no, the cake was really made that way with only 49 blueberries to start with, and the stars were supposed to be the white spaces between the blueberries, not the blueberries themselves. He was skeptical, but said he would research further and issue a ruling in 60 days.
In the meantime, we got busy trying to figure out which state was missing. A bad apple in the group said that at our company, what's missing is the "State of Enlightenment." We said that was too geeky and told him to go back to his computer chess game. Or was that a Sudoku puzzle, I forgot. But how do you go about assigning blueberries to states? There were a few obvious clues: The smallest blueberry went to Rhode Island. California got the weird-looking one that tasted oddly sour. Washington was the plump, juicy, wet one. On the opposite end was Arizona, the dry blueberry shriveled almost like a small plum. By this process of elimination, we got to the 48th blueberry before the accountant told us to get back to work because American productivity was already declining at an alarming rate.
This much we now know. The missing state is either Hawaii or Alaska, states that we usually leave off the map -- we did check, there was no little piece of cake inset to the left or bottom of our big cake. One state is big, cold and oily. The other is sunny, warm and clad in bikinis. And only one of those two gets a blueberry. If anyone has an idea for how to decide, let us know quickly. We are afraid that by next week, the entire cake will be moldy and blue all over.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 8:59 AM 6 comments
