The Pre-Memorial Day Picnic
We had an early Memorial Day picnic yesterday, but not the way we had planned. Let me back up and explain.

For a long time we have been looking forward to a backyard barbeque this coming Monday, which is a combination Memorial Day and symbolic start of the summer. It's been a tough and rainy winter, with more wet days below 60F than we consider acceptable in California. Now the sun is out in full force again, the smell of cut grass is in the air, and generally it is just too nice to be eating inside. If we are going to cook anything, it has to be grilled, and it has to be outdoors. Dogs and people were in complete agreement. Then suddenly it all changed yesterday, and it looks like we won't need that barbeque after all.

We went to Costco to get ready, armed with a long shopping list. Lots of barbeque things on the list, but not only that. Also things for the patio, plants, computer, camera and iPod things for the people, and chew things for the dogs. Dogs by their nature know how to be happy with less. Then we got to the store, and the plan ran into an unexpected glitch. There were food sampling tables at the end of every aisle, tempting the not-so-innocent with tasty morsels and delicious sips of drinks in little paper cups, and the carefully organized shopping project quickly disintegrated into a major food hunt.

There was tri-tip steak, grilled shrimp, tuna salad, artichoke hearts, granola snacks, four kinds of sausage and chicken franks, and three types of chips including my favorite crinkle cut vinegar flavor that burns a hole in the stomach but is indescribably delicious. To wash all that down, they were offering various flavors of ice cream and a cappuccino mix in ice that was better than anything I've had at Starbucks.

We circled the booths like famished vultures, talked with the servers to be polite and keep them distracted while grabbing another piece of the wild salmon with a sneaky underhand motion. For two hours we moved from table to table, sometimes breaking up only to go back for seconds and thirds, but otherwise it was simply time to stuff your face. We recovered just long enough to look at the iPod things, and grab a few dog toys and a rotisserie chicken before it was closing time and we got kicked out. I didn't know until then that an indoor picnic could be as much fun as an outside one, and a lot cheaper.

The consensus this morning is that the dogs are happy with their new toys, and the people still have enough barbeque food left in them until Independence Day. And I feel like there is a wild salmon swimming inside me gobbling down bits of artichoke hearts.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 9:47 PM 7 comments

 
Is that you Lakpa?
People do crazy things to celebrate big accomplishments, but never this crazy. A Nepali sherpa, Lakpa Tharke, decided to strip and stand naked for three minutes after he reached the summit of Mount Everest this week. The mountain is still very tall, even though it shrank last year, so it must be extremely cold up there, a lot colder than, for example California or Delaware or Fairbanks. And therefore shrinkage is probably severe up there, as the mountain itself has shown.

But it wasn't just the sherpa who was shocked at what happened. Now the Nepalese Mountaineering Association is upset and wants the government to throw Lakpa in jail to teach him not to get naked randomly anymore. The reason is that most Nepalese Buddhists consider Mount Everest, or Sagarmatha as they call it, a goddess. According to official records, 1345 people have successfully climbed the mountain since 1953, but climbing the goddess is encouraged, whereas getting naked on top of her is unacceptable. Some guys just have no manners whatsoever.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:30 AM 4 comments

 

The Weird Race
We are talking about a foot race here, but it might as well be about the people who live in San Francisco. On the third Sunday in May of every year since 1912, they hold a 7.5-mile run called Bay to Breakers. It starts from the Embarcadero business district on the San Francisco Bay side of the city, follows through Golden Gate Park and ends at Ocean Beach on the Pacific shore. The race is not particularly difficult except for a hilly section at the 1/3 point, but otherwise the course is flat and slow through city streets during the first half, and the large park in the second.

But that alone wouldn't be interesting, and would not befit San Francisco. It was founded as a way to help lift the spirits of city residents after the 1906 earthquake, and over the years, they have discovered new ways to celebrate the wackiness of the state and the city, and bring the cuckoos out of their closets and into the streets for at least one day. There is no other race I know for which a plea is broadcast on television a week in advance: No pets, no alcohol, no nudity. And in this city, that is interpreted as an open invitation to come as you are in your birthday suits, and bring dogs, snakes, geckos, parakeets and fish in a bowl that you balance with a turban on your head, and pull along a keg. In other words, the largest, strangest outdoor Halloween party in May.

Among the bizarre events expected annually, you have:

• The running Elvises (this is the younger, non-wheezing version but with same big hair)
• The Floating Tiki Bar (apparently without Jimmy Buffett)
• Bay to Shakers (another cocktail mixer on wheels)
• The Tortilla Toss (thousands of tortillas thrown like frisbees at the joggers)
• Naked girls in a mobile shower (part of the "Bare-to-Breakers" crowd, a group dedicated to complete wardrobe malfunction and living by the "Why Not?" principle)
• and the usual assortment of Dikes on Bikes and other celebrities like The Governator (muscular guy who mumbles in German) and the Assman (to remind you what city you are visiting this week).

But most eye-catching are the centipede teams that consist of 13 connected runners (by rule the last one must wear a stinger of "appropriate size and toxicity," and the group must execute a 360-degree spin called a Lenichi turn in the park without intentionally sticking the stinger into other runners). And let's not forget the "Breakers to Bay" procession of chowderheads who dress up in salmon outfits and run backwards from the finish line through the crowd back to the start, where they get to "spawn" feverishly until they die of exhaustion (don't ask).

The weather forecast calls for a light drizzle today. I think I'll sleep in and mow the lawn afterwards. I meet enough loonies every morning on the way to work, and don't feel a strong desire to run into more of them on a day off, especially if they look like naked Elvises and wear stingers.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:05 AM 5 comments

 
The Sub-Species
Every sensible person knows that cats are troublesome animals. but this proves it beyond reasonable doubt. A dentist in Washington has lost his practicing license because of poor sanitation conditions in his examination room. The state Department of Health started the investigation early last year after receiving complaints against Dr. Henry Kolsrud from his employees and clients.

According to their findings, he did not sterilize dental instruments properly between use and did not train his staff adequately. Furthermore, he allowed a cat (eek!) to roam throughout the dental office, and he kept cat food in a refrigerator next to dental supplies. And finally he scooped up cat poop and vomit with the same spatula he normally used to mix dental paste. Last May the state stopped his contract to provide medical care to low-income patients, and in December they charged him with professional misconduct. Two months ago, the 82-year-old dentist agreed to surrender his license and retire after more than 50 years of dentistry practice.

So there you have it. Cats are ugly, evil things. They are dangerous to your health, and bad for your career. And if you think that dog breath stinks, just ask one of the doctor's patients. They are still gargling with Listerine every day, trying to get that feline taste out of their mouth.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:27 AM 5 comments

 
Your Mother Wears Army Boots
Mother's Day is traditionally a day of hand-made cards, flowers, Sunday brunches or long-distance phone calls when the kids are all grown up.

But this is the age of the Internet and things are different. Mother's Day is another day for companies and stores to try to make a buck. For a month now, I've been flooded with emails about sales, discounts and special gifts for special Moms. Some of the offers are quite traditional, of course. You can order cards and flowers online through Hallmark (bouquets from $19.95, save 20% last week and 25% this week). 1-800-FLOWERS.com doesn't seem to love Mom as much, but they still offer 15% off. And Walgreen's loves Mom best with a nice bouquet for $7.99, this week only.

Albertsons has great offers from their deli in case kids want to make breakfast in bed for Mom without ruining it. How about a pastrami sub and potato salad, Mom? For the more decadent side, Cold Stone Creamery wants Mom to have a Strawberry Sensation ice cream cake, for $3 less than usual. Starbucks claimed in a mass email that a little birdie told them that Mom would just love a Starbucks card -- maybe the bird has avian flu before I've never heard of such nonsense before.

Circuit City has gifts for the "Modern Mom," you know, the one who prefers to save up to 12% on select digital cameras, camcorders and large televisions $299 and up. Cambridge Soundworks has another perfect gift because Mom deserves the best: their perfect gift, coincidentally, is a Cambridge Soundworks Radio CD 740 so Mom can listen to AM, FM and her very own MP3 in the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen, places where she belongs. They also have a Creative Zen Micro Photo and MP3 player so she can lovingly look at pictures of her family on a color screen -- quite charming, actually, except that the screen size is about the size of a thumbnail, perfect for microbe moms. Amazon has gifts with brain and beauty, just like Mom, with free shipping for qualifying orders of $25 and above. Dell has the perfect Entertainment PC for Mom, in case she wants to watch DVDs of classics like Joan Crawford Mommie Dearest movies.

The list goes on and on. But nothing seems to beat the offer from Home Depot. They want to thank Mom for all she does with a special gift, a 30-piece Do-It-Yourself tool kit for only $39.99. It has just about everything Mom can possibly need, a hammer, a pair of pliers, a small level, an adjustable wrench, one screwdriver and assorted screws, and a spackling knife, all of that in a handy blue plastic case. All that is missing is a roll of duct tape, and Mom can do everything herself, just like she always does. And if you already have the DIY kit, you can certainly re-gift it for Father's Day. We really do love you Mom.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:57 AM 9 comments

 
The Space-Time Continuum
A University of Connecticut physics professor now believes that time travel is possible. Obviously he is not the first person with that idea, but Professor Ronald Mallett offers an actual way to achieve it, and has designed an experiment to prove the concept. The method is, he says, to "swirl" space as you would stir coffee in a cup, but using a laser beam to do the stirring. Because space and time are related, when you swirl space, you also swirl time. He suggests that you can test with just a few subatomic particles -- you know, things like muons, leptons and mesons, or Bush's brain (OK, stop that, bad dog bad dog) -- and if you spin them fast enough, you could move them a few nanoseconds ahead. Not that anyone would notice, but you will feel enormously accomplished. Go ahead, try it.

The idea sounds simple enough but it is well grounded in Einstein's theory of relativity, so who is going to argue? Well, a few people actually. First there is Pat Robertson who believes that the time has come to send everything not into the future, but back to the Stone Age. Then there are scientists who argue that with a small device like Mallett has built, the effect would be so infinitesimally tiny that it would be impossible to measure. And therein lies the beauty of science: You don't have to prove yourself right, you just have to make it hard for the other guy to prove you wrong.

Not that I think that Mallett is wrong, of course. Many people have been using a time machine for years, and the machine is called Google. When you blog, for example, you can choose any posting date you want, five months ago or two weeks from now, and your little bits of wisdom will just float in cyberspace to their intended points in time and lodge themselves there. And with a few keystrokes, you can edit your post date and fling everything backward or forward at will. Time, really, is never a fixed thing. For example, this post could have been created in the third century when men were men and dogs were wolves, but you'd never know for sure, and I'll never tell.

And I'm certain you can guess that dogs, as an advanced species, have some of the most sophisticated skills in time travel, more than any human can ever dream of. The technique to the untrained eye is sometimes called "chasing your tail." Basically you stand in one place and spin yourself silly, but the trick is that you have to do it really, really, really fast, for two reasons: First you are not talking about just a few subatomic quarks here but a 70-lb husky dog with a big fluffy tail. Second, there is this conversion rule that one human year is equal to seven dog-years, so we dogs naturally fly through time a lot faster than human sloths. See you tomorrow. Or yesterday.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:02 AM 6 comments

 
An iPod Original
The iPod is hot, it's in. It's in as much as Michael Jackson and Tom Cruise are out.

And of course everyone wants to jump on the iPod bandwagon, especially politicians. Two weeks ago, in a speech on American competitiveness at Tuskegee University, our President Bush said that the U.S. government actually helped develop the iPod. He said, and this an exact quote: "The government funded research in microdrive storage, electrochemistry and signal compression. They did so for one reason: It turned out that those were the key ingredients for the development of the iPod." It's nice to know where our tax dollars are going. I was thinking that we were spending it searching for Osama or his weapons of mass destruction, but in reality, we were doing all the right things, furthering the careers of Britney Spears and LL Cool J.

And in Silicon Valley, truly the birthplace of the iPod (well, right after Washington D.C.), there is a candidate running for mayor of the city of San Jose, on a platform of innovation and government reform. Michael Mulcahy is running as an outsider -- he has never been in government and in fact has no voting record, and he promises to increase competition for city contracts and ensure government accountability. A radio ad that keeps playing every morning during my commute goes something like this: "What would Silicon Valley be like without competition? Competition creates innovation. Otherwise we keep paying more for the same old stuff. Innovation is the heart and soul of Silicon Valley, but most politicians still don't get it. That's why we need Michael Mulcahy as our next mayor, because we need innovation and reform in San Jose city government." So far so good, but wait until the closing slogan: "We live in an iPod world. We can't afford an eight-track government." Huh?

Our government is full of progressive people. And copycats. Maybe that's what's wrong with them.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 6:39 AM 4 comments

 
I need a ginsu knife
I woke up this morning with a horrific headache, made myself a cup of coffee and crawled back to bed. It all started yesterday. I was at work talking with a couple of people when suddenly this nauseated feeling hit me like a 5-ton truck. For a brief second I thought I was going to hurl right then and there but fortunately I was able to hold it down. I am sure the two guys are still wondering if they said something that got me so upset. All day today I've stayed mostly in bed, except for brief trips to the bathroom to gulp down handfuls of Tylenols. It is a real shame to feel like a hangover when you haven't touched a six-pack of Ozeki sake in a while.

But this story is really not about the headache, but about the wonder of daytime television. Not soap operas or game shows, or Jerry Springer episodes about mothers who share teenage boyfrtends with their daughters, but the amazing stuff you can buy while just laying in bed. They had an infomercial today about a Flavor-Wave Deluxe^TM oven which uses a halogen lamp to supposedly cook better and up to 50% faster than a conventional oven. The claim is that this is a revolutionary technique that combines conduction, convection and infrared cooking. The halogen light lets you drive heat uniformly all the way to the center of the food, from french fries to small steaks or large birds. And unlike microwave ovens, the process doesn’t burn or dry out the outer layer before it cooks it. They had cooking demos of pizzas, broiled lobsters, pork ribs, and Thanksgiving turkeys. This thing was really the all-in-one miracle cooker.

And that's not all! With purchase of the Flavor-Wave Deluxe you get free a "Le Presse" food cutting tool which dices, slices, juices, chops, cores apples, and makes baby food! Turns cabbage into coleslaw or potatoes into french fries. Makes crabcakes, burgers, and even gourment sausage. They say that these are tools used by 5-star restaurants around the world! And you can have it right in your home for only 4 payments -- no, wait, only 3 payments of $33 plus shipping and handling if you order today.

If I don't feel better by tomorrow, I think I am going to order a brand-new kitchen.
- posted by Woofwoof @ 7:43 PM 5 comments